Here Against My Better Judgement
20 June 05
As I had expected, I am not very happy or content to be back here in the U.S. Finding things really difficult...overwhelmed with luxury and excess and in general finding it very difficult to relate to most frivolous conversation...
I made no arrangements to be picked up from the airport, not really certain what I would be needing once I arrived here. However, my sweet friend Marya was there to collect me as soon as I stepped off of the plane.
I feel overwhelmed, not capable of being my normal, bright eyed and cheerful self...
Marya later tells me, the first thing that I said when I got off the plane and started crying was "I don't want to be here", she replied with "I completely understand".
We get in her car and I am exhausted. I have so much to say and feel so hopeless about my abilities of making anyone understand any of it...I just cry and she lets me.
I have been here in the U.S. now for a couple of days and still haven't been able to contact any of my family or friends to let them know that I am home, etc. My family is asking if I got on the plane or not. They are so understanding and supportive, even with their gentle prodding to return to them.
Unsure of how to initiate those inevitable conversations and stories with everyone and longing for someone that can just hold me tight and already understand everything that is going on in my head.
As I had expected, I am not very happy or content to be back here in the U.S. Finding things really difficult...overwhelmed with luxury and excess and in general finding it very difficult to relate to most frivolous conversation...
I made no arrangements to be picked up from the airport, not really certain what I would be needing once I arrived here. However, my sweet friend Marya was there to collect me as soon as I stepped off of the plane.
I feel overwhelmed, not capable of being my normal, bright eyed and cheerful self...
Marya later tells me, the first thing that I said when I got off the plane and started crying was "I don't want to be here", she replied with "I completely understand".
We get in her car and I am exhausted. I have so much to say and feel so hopeless about my abilities of making anyone understand any of it...I just cry and she lets me.
I have been here in the U.S. now for a couple of days and still haven't been able to contact any of my family or friends to let them know that I am home, etc. My family is asking if I got on the plane or not. They are so understanding and supportive, even with their gentle prodding to return to them.
Unsure of how to initiate those inevitable conversations and stories with everyone and longing for someone that can just hold me tight and already understand everything that is going on in my head.
posted by Rebel at 8:43 PM
3 Comments:
Rebelcita,
I've been eager to find out what was happening with you!
Glad to hear you're ok. I'm sorry to hear about your heartache and the difficulty of being fully present here in the states.
I never spent time with a whole building full of sweet children as you have, but I recognize the tension you've described.
My friends are largely liberal, highly educated, artistic, etc., -- perhaps like yours. I think they can relate intellectually when I describe Peru to them, but it's really hard for them to appreciate the pull of this strange place, or the nagging desire to contribute something of what I've been given to make a difference. And I'm not even sure that "make a difference" is the right phrase. Too trite. The feeling is entirely more personal -- that it's about having found genuine purpose. Purpose that motivates every cell inside. In the face of that, much else seems trivial.
In your case, I suspect the feeling must be many times more acute than what I've experienced. But I just wanted to speak up and say that the Refuge, the children, the thought of devoting more time there -- it's all valid and worthwhile and important. I think anyone who would try to convince you otherwise is either being selfish or feeling defensive about their own life's focus.
Say, do you have an email addy? I don't want to monopolize the comment section of your blog...
Take care,
Don
love you rebs.... maybe you didn't feel like you were your normal bright-eyed beautiful self, but you brought lots of love and good times. i'm so glad we got to see you. xoxo.
A peer of mine related living in rural Mexico as having a similar draw to what you have described -- or at least in my capacity to comprehend.
I'm actually curious how you were able to upload all that content while you were there. Then again, I'm a nerd.
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