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12 June 05

Sweet little David is so upset with me right now and he won´t speak to me about it...he simply says don´t touch me and pulls away...It breaks my heart and I am not sure how to mend a problem that I am unaware of.

This weekend was filled with fiestas and dancing. Today I had lunch with Marco at a restaurant that serves food typical to the jungle. Marco´s family is from the jungle, he talks about his home often and it makes me want to visit very much.

Lunch is fried platanos, ensalada, and a banana leaf wrapped dish of chicken and rice, olives and eggs - I can´t seem to remember the name of that dish but the presentation was incredible and I will attempt to create a vegan alternative in the States. The best part of the meal was that it was all served with my new favorite aji of tiny yellow aji peppers, diced red onion, a special diced fruit unique to the jungle and vinegar. I am currently attempting to figure a way to locate huge quantities of it!

Ahhh, yeah....I am really struggling with leaving Peru right now...I write this entry with little Antonny lying on my lap as I stroke his head...I am wondering whether I will get on the plane or not...days of wondering if I should or not...making excuses as to why I should stay...and...I have many of them.

13 June 05

David and I are all better, finally...that was a very long day and a half, might I add? His withdrawing was killing me especially with my pending departure. Apparently , he was upset for various reasons, he was jealous of my spending time with my friend Marco, he is upset that I am leaving and he felt humiliated because Lucy confronted him in front of everyone about it.
Bottom line is that we are amigos once again! Joy! My heart might remain in one piece now!...Of course, anyone who knows me, understands that it won´t...

Sigh...today I am a sponge attempting to soak in every sound, smell, sight...Oh, I am a mess today...absolutely everything is making me cry. Loca Gringa! This is so hard...I am begging the children to lock me in my room, others to kidnap me so that I might miss my flight. What to do? What to do? Ahhhh...they think I am kidding.

I feel like I finally understand how this place works, finally know the children, and I am finally understanding the language. It seems as if it is the time to begin my work here, rather than exit.

Thinking about the life that I go back to in the United States...so much money, so many material items...cars, houses, food, clothes, and we constantly complain that we are lacking something, that things aren´t as they should be, not good enough. When will we be filled with the song and dance and beauty that I see here in these people that have so little?

What do I go back to? What do I go back to? Remind yourself....Many people I also care as deeply about, more beautiful people with huge hearts. They just don´t seem to be as in need right now to me.

Then I think to myself...is this just a struggle within myself? Life will certainly go on for the children...ups and downs...would it affect them positively or negatively for me to remain here with them...am I projecting my own needs?

Oy, I want to be snuggled up to right now...I knew this was pending and I chose to avoid it as long as possible. Now it is here on the tip of my tongue, just around the corner and I might run away...

I´m sorry for this poor writing...but I am exhausted and I choose to allow my emotions to pour freely...