Acclimating
30 June 05
Okay...Here I am back in the United States...and I am beginning to stop flailing, fighting and weeping (leaking) so much.
I am writing this particular entry because of the unbelievably sweet responses that I have been receiving from various people about how they miss reading about my adventures online. It warms my heart to learn that people were interested in something that was so important to me and to receive their kind concerns.
I have also realized that I needed to send out an apology for freaking so many people out during the last couple of weeks. This apology is not just to my family and friends but for people that I haven't even met in person, people that have shared and supported my Peruvian experiences so very kindly from afar...and now they are attempting to find out how I am adjusting back to the United States.
It isn't that I wasn't thinking about everyone once I got back here, it's just that I was unable to speak to people...worried that they wouldn't relate to what had been happening in my life (which would have broken my heart) and really needing to sort things out in my own head first...which is still happening. So, I failed to contact even my closest family and friends for at least a week.
As my friends and family can attest, I was a very messy girl when I first came back. The first thing that my sweet friend Marya tells me I said before bursting into tears was "I don't want to be here".
Here is a bit of my initial reaction, sent to a friend of mine recently, which seems to explain a bit more of where I was coming from...
"Yeah, I have been a bit strange since I left Peru. My heart feels a bit broken, like it is missing a piece. I have been having difficulty adjusting to all of this U.S. decadence and overabundance, we have three of everything and still can't find a way to be satisfied withit. I miss the way the people I was surrounded with in Peru had absolutely nothing but still seemed to find song and dance in absolutely everything. When do we find that?
I have been waking up feeling a bit blue, not my normal nauseatingly perky, bright eyed self. I feel so bad that everyone has to deal with my low energy level right now but everyone seems to be so understanding and kind about it which helps tremendously. Finally seeing my niece and nephew yesterday has alleviated a lot of my feelings, probably because they are here constantly snuggling with me (Jordy climbed in bed with me at 3am this morning and snuggled up as tight as she could to me for the rest of the night), I am super affectionate and miss the snuggles of 31 children everyday!
...I have found myself a bit hostile so often lately when people say over and over "wow, Peru, huhhh? Vacation?" and I tell them what I was doing there knowing that they won't give a shit...and they quickly change the subject. I am assuming that they just can't handle the reality of the situation in a place like that...it's like how kids cover their eyes and assume that no one else can see them...people like to be ignorant...it's a tool ofprotection...I understand it but it seems so unfortunate. So, again, thank you for not being like the others...for relating to my tales and looking me straight in the eyes, genuinely interested...not many people have bothered and as a result, I refuse to share the story with them."
Contrary to my initial worries, you people, you know who you are, have been fantastically understanding and supportive. Thank you all for this, it means more than you can know.
So, now, I am recollecting...man, that sounds so overly dramatic, doesn't it? I don't mean it to...it's just an attempt at being as straight forward and honest with myself as possible.
Currently, I am concocting fundraising event plans and I am devising a scheme to get American Airlines to donate free freight costs for me to ship material donations down to Peru as well as a plane ticket or two to get me down there yearly, so, wish me luck.
Anyone that has any brilliant ideas...send them my way! This little nightmare feels her energy starting to surge again!
Okay...Here I am back in the United States...and I am beginning to stop flailing, fighting and weeping (leaking) so much.
I am writing this particular entry because of the unbelievably sweet responses that I have been receiving from various people about how they miss reading about my adventures online. It warms my heart to learn that people were interested in something that was so important to me and to receive their kind concerns.
I have also realized that I needed to send out an apology for freaking so many people out during the last couple of weeks. This apology is not just to my family and friends but for people that I haven't even met in person, people that have shared and supported my Peruvian experiences so very kindly from afar...and now they are attempting to find out how I am adjusting back to the United States.
It isn't that I wasn't thinking about everyone once I got back here, it's just that I was unable to speak to people...worried that they wouldn't relate to what had been happening in my life (which would have broken my heart) and really needing to sort things out in my own head first...which is still happening. So, I failed to contact even my closest family and friends for at least a week.
As my friends and family can attest, I was a very messy girl when I first came back. The first thing that my sweet friend Marya tells me I said before bursting into tears was "I don't want to be here".
Here is a bit of my initial reaction, sent to a friend of mine recently, which seems to explain a bit more of where I was coming from...
"Yeah, I have been a bit strange since I left Peru. My heart feels a bit broken, like it is missing a piece. I have been having difficulty adjusting to all of this U.S. decadence and overabundance, we have three of everything and still can't find a way to be satisfied withit. I miss the way the people I was surrounded with in Peru had absolutely nothing but still seemed to find song and dance in absolutely everything. When do we find that?
I have been waking up feeling a bit blue, not my normal nauseatingly perky, bright eyed self. I feel so bad that everyone has to deal with my low energy level right now but everyone seems to be so understanding and kind about it which helps tremendously. Finally seeing my niece and nephew yesterday has alleviated a lot of my feelings, probably because they are here constantly snuggling with me (Jordy climbed in bed with me at 3am this morning and snuggled up as tight as she could to me for the rest of the night), I am super affectionate and miss the snuggles of 31 children everyday!
...I have found myself a bit hostile so often lately when people say over and over "wow, Peru, huhhh? Vacation?" and I tell them what I was doing there knowing that they won't give a shit...and they quickly change the subject. I am assuming that they just can't handle the reality of the situation in a place like that...it's like how kids cover their eyes and assume that no one else can see them...people like to be ignorant...it's a tool ofprotection...I understand it but it seems so unfortunate. So, again, thank you for not being like the others...for relating to my tales and looking me straight in the eyes, genuinely interested...not many people have bothered and as a result, I refuse to share the story with them."
Contrary to my initial worries, you people, you know who you are, have been fantastically understanding and supportive. Thank you all for this, it means more than you can know.
So, now, I am recollecting...man, that sounds so overly dramatic, doesn't it? I don't mean it to...it's just an attempt at being as straight forward and honest with myself as possible.
Currently, I am concocting fundraising event plans and I am devising a scheme to get American Airlines to donate free freight costs for me to ship material donations down to Peru as well as a plane ticket or two to get me down there yearly, so, wish me luck.
Anyone that has any brilliant ideas...send them my way! This little nightmare feels her energy starting to surge again!
posted by Rebel at 1:03 PM
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